Two weeks ago this evening Alex's dad passed away due to an infection from complications from surgery for pancreatic cancer. It's been a rough two weeks. I've been very emotional and lacking much sleep.

 I really don't want to say much because I don't feel like I need too. I'm only writing this here so that maybe a year from now I can look back and remember where I was in my life at this moment. I know I'll always remember where I was when I found out, how I reacted, and how terrible I felt listening to Alex cry on the phone knowing I couldn't be there. For that reason alone I will forever hate college for keeping me away from him.

All through the following weekend I felt lost. Alex and his family were so busy planning the funeral and all I wanted to do was help, but I knew there wasn't much I could do. I was there when he said I could come over, but he never really spent time with me or talked to me. He was too busy being the new head of household and taking care of his family, but I knew that's what he needed to do. I was just there in case he needed me. That's all I could do. On Saturday I sat in front of a computer for 12 hours working on things for the funeral. Everything needed to be perfect and it was. I've never laughed at a funeral before, but I did at Mr.Price's. He was one of a kind.

This past Saturday night Alex really opened up to me about all that had happened for the first time. And the one thing that he said to me that I will never forget was that I did everything that he needed from me. I helped him take care of his family. I didn't try to make him talk about things. I was there for him just in case he really needed me. And he thanked me.

Then I proceeded to kick his ass in the game of pool we were playing.

Most couples don't have to go though what we went through at our age. Most couples don't go through something like this until years into their marriage. I know now that our relationship can withstand anything and I will never give up on him.

I will marry him someday.

This time of year always takes me back
Back to when everything was new
Back to when we were nothing but inexperienced
The days were cold, but our heat was hidden in our hearts
On our long journeys the music would sing within me
And I would look over and you'd be singing too
We wouldn't know where we were going
But you'd still smile

And my vision would blur all except for you
My skin would tingle for your touch
You knew because yours was screaming
Our hearts beating to the same rhythm
Skin on skin created a spark
That spark turned to flames
And those flames consumed us

Two years later, we still don't know where we're headed
We may never know our destination
But our flames still burn
Even brighter than before
You're still all I can see,  and all I want to feel
I still hear the music
And I haven't stopped singing
This time of year always takes me back

To when we knew we were in love

<3

In the right light, at the right time,
everything is extraordinary.
             -Aaron Rose

I hate when it gets to the point where I feel like I can't breathe. I feel sick to my stomach. Being away from him is awful, but I'm forced to deal with it. Winter break is over and it's back to reality.

I wish I was stronger...

Whenever I was in high school, I never failed to let anyone know how much I hated high school and how much I wanted to get out. Now that I'm in college, I feel like I miss high school so much. But after looking through my high school's website, I really don't miss high school.

I hate the people there who do everything and everyone thinks they are so amazing, but they really aren't. They lie, and cheat, and drink, and do drugs, and everyone still thinks they are so amazing. All through high school, I tried to do the right thing. I behaved (for the most part) and I did what I was told. I wasn't heavily involved in everything, but I was involved enough. Yet everything I was involved in, I failed at because I didn't have the right connections or just wasn't popular enough.

I ran for Latin club treasurer my senior year and lost to a junior because she was more popular than me. She didn't do anything for the club and I was more of an officer than she was. She just got the special title and took credit for everything.

I was in chorus all 4 years, yet my high school choir director (who was also my 4th and 5th grade choir director) felt like it was necessary to rub nepitism in my face. She gave her daughter all of the solo's and theater parts that should have been mine. I deserved to be Belle in Beauty and the Beast my senior year and the whole school and most of the community thought so as well. Instead, she gave the part to her daughter. Miss perfect who basically runs the whole school. I hate her because everyone thinks she's perfect, but she isn't. She's a spoiled little brat. And so is her sister who gets everything she wants as well.

I wasn't a class officer, and all my friends were, yet I basically did the only thing that was expected of them all year. I made the senior slideshow for graduation and got no credit for it. All the officer's did.

Basically my senior year was a big "Screw you" right to my face. I have not been more screwed over in life more than I have in that year. So, no. I don't miss high school. I just miss home and my boyfriend. I miss nothing about high school.

Fuck you, high school. Fuck you, Krista. Fuck you, Lisa, Chloe, and Paige. Fuck you to the people who lean on me for everything.

I'm in college now, and people actually realize how special I am. I realize how special I am. I live my life how I want to and nobody can hold me down. I'm in charge.

And I'll do what I want. (Snap, snap, snap!!!)
*walks away*